First of all I'd just like to point out that this is a guest post from a dear friend of mine. He has submitted this for me to post anonymously. For him to have written this in the first place I hold the up most respect for him never mind allowing me to post it online so thank you for sharing. I care for you so much. You know who you are.
Three Simultaneous Executions.
N.B. -This
piece is not intended to outline the peaks and troughs of the “Process of
Separation” from alcohol – this is neither the time nor place for that
discussion. This is intended to act as a brief encounter to the horrors of the
unfolding nature of drinking and therefore a portrait of a life left behind for
the greater good. Written in humility at the beginning of a journey. A tool to
read, so you don’t have to go in there yourself. Equally, a tool not
universally applicable, merely occasional. If it serves as a help to one
person, then its job is done. If it develops understanding in a few, then it
has surpassed.
The striking reality of a life
voided of the poisonous comfort and thorn blanket of alcohol take a short while
to take hold after a final commitment to the divorce. It can take a number of
failed battles to reasonably separate yourself from the invisible
genetic-psyco-social cretinously dependent existence of the practicing
alcoholic. An intermittent sufferer, a victim of possession. A disease no blood
test will indicate; only the damage sustained and strained systems now evident.
No scan will reveal; only the infarction, inflammation and insufferable
degradation resultant. No questioning can uncover; only the insight into the
shocking internal conflict and chronic manhandling of the ego. The only
relevant question during these times, which no level of communicable
understanding can portray the desperation of, is whether you will survive.
Second, if indeed you do survive, whether the physical internal scars, the
emotional developmental stunting, the financial iceberg of debt or the social
bridge burning have made one final catastrophic damnation to halt any
conceivable progress to a “life”.
During
a walk into hell your tri-phasic torturing can begin. You are at first loyal.
Loyal like a child is loyal. Believing what you are told and loyal to it.
Believing in the “normality” associated with the ingestion of the then enjoyable
fluid. The loyalty to the cause for this use: celebration, society, success,
failure. The loyalty to the eternal enjoyment of this cornerstone of culture.
Loyalty to the time set aside to it. Loyalty to the euphoria and release it
will provide. This loyalty is a lie. It is dishonest. This loyalty is the
consuming nature of the beast. And phase one of your torture is a lie which you
are happy to believe, then needed to believe and then finally desperate to
believe.
Secondly
you are questioning. Like an adolescent is questioning. The questioning may
lead you to question that initial loyalty and it is only here that realise you
can escape before it is too late. However, the demonic nature of this disease
is that in order to fulfil the curiosity of this questioning you must miss this
sacred opportunity to leave and inevitably follow your questioning whilst
simultaneously being stabbed in the back by the answers you receive – and so
the eternal vortex of dissent continue. Am I one of those people? Surely not,
because I am not homeless. I have a job, I am succeeding – an almost sarcastic
congratulatory pat on the back by the devil himself as with his other hand he
slowly introduces the dagger to your being. You question whether you can walk
the line between total possession by drink and normality – for you now are
aware that you may have more of that disrespectful homeless image in you than
you previously thought possible. That devil congratulates your intellect for
questioning, encourages you to keep questioning as no matter how much you
question, you will also be haemorrhaging the chance of normality, and delving
further down that staircase to hell.
And
lastly you are accepting. You are accepting as the mature adult is. Only here,
you are no longer an adult human, something more like a hungry animalistic skeleton.
You no longer question what category you fit into. You shake and you creak. You
accept the necessity of that liquid. You no longer have the anxiety filled
questioning of the adolescent. You now have the necrotic physical need to give
every cell in your body a fuel which is as important, often more important,
than oxygen, glucose and whatever else. You are not the person you were. You
are not a person. You are a morbid macabre process. You are accepting that you
were a fool to think you could walk the line between those two paths. You are
now accepting that that pat on the back was purely a deceit in order to have
you as the manipulated slave that you have become. You accept that those hours
of questioning were purely to make sure that you were looking the other way
when the dagger was going in further and further. In your life with humans you
are now tragic. You are laughing at the funniest joke in the world – but you
can’t remember the punch line.
The three executions are the internal workings of the self
during this time. It is important to note that at any point during this
(although the illness will not tell you) that there are many points in which
you can stop, turn around and learn another way. When you divorce from that way
of living, the garden you walk in is genuine. An authentic reality which you
are eternally grateful for. For every evil you will have from drink there are
one hundred joys. And, although that boxer will still be in the ring with you
every day, the joy of winning that match is more joyous and more moving than
any second of your previous lingering.
There is work to do. And may it be done.
My father was an alcoholic and this ruined the memories that I have of him but obviously once you start to understand it more it makes it easier to deal with the neglect that comes along with it. very strong post thank you lucy
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your comment. I hope that you found some comfort in reading this. I will definitely be forwarding this onto my friend that wrote it. All credit goes to him
DeleteHi Lucy
ReplyDeleteI loved to read this post. I'm sure you would be surprised at how many people are affected by this kind of thing, it's happening in a lot of households. Thanks for posting.
Angyalka ♥
Thank you so much for reading! As I've said, all credit goes to the man who wrote this but he'll be happy to read your comment. Thank you! x
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