The Temporary Death of Confidence

Sunday, July 15, 2018

"I hate the quote 'you can't love anyone until you love yourself', I don't think it's fair to tell anyone that they can't love someone unless/until anything."

During a drunken chat with a friend last night the subject of self-love in relationships came up and, honestly? It has shifted my entire way of thinking. So, whilst feeling like a massive hypocrite I'm going to let you in on a new revelation.

She explained that she hated herself when she first started dating her boyfriend and she loved him more than she ever has anyone and still feels the same 5 years later. She's learnt to love herself now, heck, she's even got into modelling and I've even witnessed her confidence grow (go on, gal). She has a point though. A very valid one. And it got me thinking...

After working a lot on myself these past couple of years, my self confidence has sky rocketed. I have all the love and care in the world for myself until I'm asking someone to love and care for me in the same way. Learning to love my body was a very difficult part of this but again, I never expect anyone else to love it. Embracing all my quirks and (sometimes, admittedly annoying) habits was an important part but I never expect anyone else to find these endearing.

I realised that I have no drastic confidence issues until I'm trying to build other personal relationships in an unfamiliar situation and there seems to be a lot of this happening in my life right now all at the same time. As a result, my confidence has definitely taken a blow. Censoring, questioning and covering myself have become norms that I'd like to give a pink slip.

It's just incredibly strange to me that my confidence around new people has become worse since I've become more comfortable with myself. Maybe I'm scared that someone is going to shatter my confidence again or maybe I'm struggling to understand how I can expect anyone to understand or care for me when I know how much work it's taken for me to feel that way about myself.

Nobody has to right to insist that certain things need to be ticked off before you can feel any kind of love for anyone but does that make me a hypocrite to say? Does that mean I'm going to have to get off my arse and find a "real hobby" instead of documenting my ramblings on here?

It's a funny one.

I guess I've always thought that loving and accepting yourself leads to love and acceptance from others and I now realise that it's not to be viewed as such. How you view yourself is important, please don't misconstrued. Learning to accept that someone else can view you in the same way, without all those flaws you paint in front of your eyes every morning, well that's a different story all together. Never mind acknowledging that if they don't see that: it doesn't matter.

I'm still learning and that's okay. 

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