Safe Space for Self Love

01/08/2018

On Creating Chaos For Comfort

I notice everything I do not have and decide it is beautiful. - Rupi Kaur

It's been said that I have a tendency to create problems for myself. Admittedly, I can agree (somewhat) with this analysis. Although I've become a lot better at controlling this, every now and again I start to hear that same voice again telling me "you're not where you should be," and it can so easily take me back to square one. I guess that's where it comes from: pressure that I put on myself to achieve more and to be constantly chasing the next thing. It's funny, really, because the result of this is never the pain nor hindrance of anyone but myself.

Is it the busy millennial trend that seems to have swept me up? Is it a security issue? Or is it simply a longing for success?

Comparing my life 2 years ago to where I am today is less like looking at a caterpillar bursting out of it's  cocoon and more like watching a worm have multiple segments torn away from it's body and standing by as it grows from the trauma as if nothing ever happened and I'm still trying to master the act of the regeneration process looking natural and seeming, therefore, unscathed.


I've found a strange comfort in uncertainty and chaos and therefore chaos seems to arise as a result of sudden tranquil. You see the full circle of madness I find myself revisiting? It should be said that I'm not the kind of person to always leave a trail of drama behind them and I take no enjoyment out of these situations what-so-ever. It all just seems to be internalised drama. Drama that I create myself, for myself. I start to question things that are actually going well for me. Wondering why they're going well for me and awaiting their inevitable downfall.

There are many aspects of my life that are going well for me right now and it terrifies me.

Appreciating what you have whilst also not taking for granted it’s fragility is the fine line I’m still feeling around for. Also understanding that the outlooks and behaviours which got you through one experience won’t necessarily be effective for each journey you take.

As I’m writing this I realise my words are laced with some sort of out of body cynicism that couldn’t be further from my true outlook on life.

During these periods of self-doubt what gets me through is realising that my feelings and life experiences don’t always align. And that’s OK. I can find smiles in the darkest times and reasons to cry in the happiest moments. Feelings of guilt for not feeling the way you think you ‘should feel’ only feeds the negative head space further.

“You’re happy now, right? Of course bad shit is going to happen. It always does. But who’s shit is that to deal with? ... Future Piper.” - A good friend

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